year in review (2011)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thirty-three

Yesterday, I officially turned thirty-three. Does this mean I'm in my "mid-thirties" now, or do I have another year in my early thirties? I am mostly ok with getting older. Mostly because I'm right where I want to be. I don't have many regrets. I have made headway in a career that has been mostly satisfying. I have been lucky enough to find someone to love who loves me back. The little yellow house is in our names. I have a quirky dear little dog. I have friends who have now known me through a decade and more. And I have that precious little daughter who keeps my life full of Life.

These are the things to be grateful for around the time of a birthday, when you can't help but look back and dream forward. You can't help but evaluate -- is this is where you saw yourself in life? When you were very young and looking to the future with anticipation and outsize expectations. The answer is yes. For me, yes, and more. I could not have dreamed up all the luckiness in my life. I could not have hoped for all the happiness in my life. In spite of life being hard sometimes, confusing and disappointing -- my life has been, on the whole, so good and full. It's the truth. My cup runneth over.

oh hi

I can only imagine you've given up on me. But I am still here. We are still here. And I suppose no news is good news in our case, because we're doing well all this time. Our little girl has been growing up all this time. And we have been enjoying our happy little life all this time. I hate to promise that this entry is evidence of turning over a new leaf -- but everything in me needs a place to write again and the discipline to make time for it. Even when time is hard to be found. So, here goes.

At the beginning of this year, we had a sense that it would be a year of transition and preparation for What's Next (whatever that Next might be). It's a year of in-between and dreaming and anticipation of what's next for our family. And now here we are, preparing to go from Three to Four. Another little baby is on the way -- with an ETA of November 20th. And so it begins! The next stage for our little family.

Everyone always says the second pregnancy is different. And it's true. We are breathing easier this time. We are taking it as it comes this time. And we are distracted by a 20-month-old this time. It's a whole different experience not to be solely focused on your pregnancy -- but it's also refreshing in many ways. This second baby already feels caught up in the energy and routine of our family, coming along naturally and easily.

Pen has transformed into a little girl, almost overnight -- she is in no way a baby any longer -- but an independent, cheerful, chatty little girl. One of the most magical things about the second year is conversation. Pen has so many words that are now stringing together into sentences, thoughts, requests and ideas. It is delightful to be able to have a conversation with our daughter. We suddenly have this window into how her little mind works and the intricacies of her personality. We look forward to getting to know her better every single day. And every single day, she surprises us.

So, that's it for us. At least for now. Look for more updates soon. Til then, lots of love.

 

new songs for this christmas

Some of you know that I go on a quest every December for new Christmas songs. I have this habit of mandating Christmas music in our house during the month of December. So, we have to keep the play list fresh seeing that we're in for a full four weeks of it. I am happily beyond the basics in my Christmas play list these days, but that means (good) music is hard to find.

This year, I discovered these and wanted to share them. The theme is a sweet, sentimental and (sometimes) a little folksy. If these don't charm you, you can also see old playlists here and here.

Merry Christmas-ing!

Silver Bells, Meaghan Smith
White Christmas Pt. One, Pink Martini
Boots, The Killers
It Snowed, Meaghan Smith
It Really Is (A Wonderful Life), Indigo Girls
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, Hem
River, Rosie Thomas
Silent Night, Over the Rhine
Winter in the Sun, Brandon Schott
Winter Wonderland, Jason Mraz
Very Merry Christmas, Dave Barnes
My First Snow, Matt Morris
Christmas is Near, Charlotte Martin
Winter Wonderland, Rosie Thomas
Christmas, Teddy Thompson & Family

Thanksgiving Menu 2010

We are continuing in our tradition of gourmet Thanksgiving. This year, Ben and I are hosting. It will be a small table, and we will miss Carlye, Steve and their little ones. But it turns out we are making as much food as if they were joining us. Perhaps, we are in denial. Perhaps, my Mother cannot help it. She always, inevitably, makes too much food. (But leftovers are the best part, so we do not dispute her miscalculations.)

Ben and my Dad are in charge of wine. A few minutes from now, they'll meet up here and put the owners up to the challenge of creative pairings.

Here is this year's menu with a mix of kitchen-tested favorites and new attempts.

Starter

Roasted whole pumpkin stuffed with Gruyere, bread and bacon
Autumn cocktail

Main

Roast turkey with cherry glaze
Irish potato casserole
Sausage-sage stuffing
Brussel sprouts with bacon and chestnuts
Mixed greens with beets, goat cheese and candied pecans
Sage popovers
Pan gravy

Dessert

Sweet potato pie with marshmallow meringue
Pear-almond tart


Happy Thanksgiving, friends and dear ones. We hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow.

pen turns one

Time is getting away from me. But you should know that Pen did, in fact, turn one. We had a duck-themed party (mainly, so we could enjoy Pen toddling around saying "Quack! Quack!" on demand). We invited everyone who got us through the first year. My parents. Don and Nancy. Jen. Carlye and Steve. Tim. The Yamauchis. And our nanny, Sandra.

It turns out that the 1st birthday party is as much about you as it is about your child. It's your first major milestone as a new family. It's a reminder that You Made It through a big change.

We celebrated Pen. But we also celebrated the community who got us through the first year. Who brought us meals. Who took care of Pen. Who cut us slack. Who offered (welcome) advice and guidance. Who loved us by way of loving Pen. It was a Big Year. And we could not have done it without our family and friends.

The birthday party was...overwhelming. So much to take in. Oodles of children crowding around me while I opened Pen's presents. A house full of people in the living room, the kitchen and on the porch. There were so many surprising emotions about getting to this point. Elated that we made it through year one. A little twinge of grief that it's going so fast. Plenty of excitement about the little girl Pen is becoming.

But it was overwhelming in a good way. In the way that your cup overflows with the love of your family and your friends. In the way that you cannot put into words the happiness of watching your little girl in the very beginning of her life. In the way that it all feels too good to be true.

It was that kind of overwhelming.

From Pen Turns One

pen @ eleven months

Pen is One and two weeks. But for posterity, here she is at eleven months. This little moment in time was a week spent at the beach with Ben's parents, who had the particular pleasure of meeting Pen for the first time ever. They were delighted, and so was she. And so were we to see them all together. She is part South African, and that's something we want her to Know and Remember about herself. So, it was a very dear thing to watch Pen walking the beach endlessly with her very patient grandparents.

pen @ ten months

Today, Pen spent the afternoon helping Ben out in the garden. This entailed lots of mucking about in the dirt, eating rocks and...practicing her standing skills!

goodnight moon

Pen loves books.

That makes my heart happy. At night, before bed, we read Goodnight Moon. It's part of the bedtime routine. Bath, pajamas, Goodnight Moon.

Because I read it every single night, I could recite it to you by memory. And I've started to notice how intentional this book is about being a Bedtime Book.

I love the illustrations, this fully imagined world of a pajama-ed bunny with a fire in the fireplace and silk striped curtains and (what I imagine to be) his grandmother in the rocking chair, knitting quietly.

I also love the ritual of this little story -- the ritual of saying good night to all the things that make up your small world. Goodnight to the mittens. Goodnight to the bears sitting in chairs. Goodnight to the comb and the brush.

But what I really love are the words.

Margaret Wise Brown winds us down into sleepyness with a rhythm that gently slows with every turn of the page. She is purposeful to use words that are naturally soft and hushed. Moon. Kittens. Mittens. Comb. Mush. Brush. Hush.

Until, finally, you arrive at The End.

With every turn of the page, Pen settles in closer to me, her little body sighing into sleepiness and finally giving up the day. With every word, she quiets down. And, me too. My voice gets softer. I am present in the moment. I let go of the day. I say goodnight to my daughter. I say goodnight to the moon.

*****

In the great green room
There was a telephone
And a red balloon
And a picture of -

The cow jumping over the moon

And there were three little bears sitting on chairs

And two little kittens
And a pair of mittens
And a little toyhouse
And a young mouse
And a comb and a brush and bowl full of mush
And a quiet old lady whispering "hush"

Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight cow jumping over the moon
Goodnight light
And the red balloon
Goodnight bears
Goodnight chairs

Goodnight kittens
Goodnight mittens
Goodnight clocks
Goodnight socks
Goodnight little house
And goodnight mouse

Goodnight comb
And goodnight brush
Goodnight nobody
Goodnight mush
And goodnight to the old lady whispering "hush"

Goodnight stars
Goodnight air

Goodnight noises everywhere

the highlight reel

Hello, darlings. All eleven of you faithful readers. Are you still there? Forgive me. Because Pen has been Five Months for a very long time in this little part of the world, and our lives have carried on completely undocumented for many months now. To get us back on track, here are a few highlights from life here in the little yellow house.

Pen will be nine months old on Sunday. I'm about to say what every parent says. I can't help myself. But where did the time go? Suddenly, we have a third person in the house -- not just a baby -- but a person with personality and opinions and a little will all her own. Pen is turning out to be lovely, sweet, funny and feisty. We are enjoying this stage immensely. Every week, she learns something new. This week, she's working hard at words. Mama. Dada. Bye-bye. It blows my mind that my baby (my little baby!) is starting to talk to us. Tell me: How is this possible? Oh. My.

Pen has one setting and that is: GO! She has boundless energy and is keeping us on our toes. She is also officially mobile -- pulling up, crawling, climbing on EVERYTHING. And even though I'm not urgent for this Busy Girl to be walking, I suspect she will be by the end of the summer. Watch out, world.

Ben and I celebrated our 5th anniversary with a belated trip to the Florida Keys. It was our first big trip away from Pen. We missed her, but it was a treat to get away together. And I don't think Pen pined for us, seeing as she was in the capable hands of Grandpa and Didi. Plus, they whisked her away to the beach for her own mini-break.

The Keys feel very much like an outpost, a little village of islands just barely attached to anything resembling America. It's like a little piece of the Caribbean reached up to hold hands with Florida. It was so good to reconnect with each other post-baby. It felt like like a Five Day Date. Reading on the beach. Snorkeling. Napping. Oh, and eating. Always eating.

Then, in June, Ben went back to South Africa for the World Cup. His two great loves: football and South Africa, it simply could not be missed. It was a whirlwind visit. He made good use of every minute, seeing family and soaking up Cape Town, while squeezing in the Italy/Paraguay game. Pen and I stayed behind and had our own adventure - a week at the beach together. It was a good time all around, but we are very happy to be reunited as Three again.

We are deep in the goodness of summer. And I am reminded almost daily of why I love this season as much as I do. Even on the hottest of days, it feels good to be warm to the bone with sunshine. I love how long the days are and how the evenings linger well into the nine o'clock hour. The farmers market is literally overflowing with delicious-ness, which has made for a very happy kitchen lately. Most meals on the grill. Tomatoes and okra and corn so sweet, it tastes like candy. Yum.

Summer also means lots of beach time. And in fact, I'm about to pack up for a July 4th weekend at the beach. I'm pleased to report that Pen loves the ocean. This must be a genetic predisposition, because Ben and I love nothing more than a day at the beach.

She's our fearless little fish, jumping the waves, sinking tiny toes into the sand, splashing in the water. If we'd let her, I think she might leap out of our arms and make an attempt at swimming. Makes my heart happy. I have such seminal memories of being at the beach as a child. Having Pen at the beach is an exercise in indulging childhood all over again. Giving in to the messiness of sand, sitting in tidepools for hours on end, splashing around. And there is nothing better than carrying my sleepy, salty girl back from a day at the beach, soaping her up in the outdoor shower, and bundling her up in a towel, near-ready for bedtime.

Speaking of Pen, here's the latest album. (Let's talk again soon.)

pen @ five months

so big

Penelope will be five months old next week. Five months old. She's flying through milestones: rolling over, sitting up, cutting teeth, reaching for everything.

I can barely keep up with my growing girl.

And so I'm discovering this tension inherent in mothering: the eagerness for your child to grow up -- mixed with small twinges of grief at how fast it's going.

As a child, do you remember all the adults in your life remarking about "how big you are" and saying "you're growing up so fast." I thought this was just the kind of thing grandmothers and aunts are obligated to say. But it turns out that it feels very true. When I look at Pen right now, all I can think is: She is so big. She is growing up so fast.

The other day, she had her first taste of rice cereal. And this girl. This girl of mine loved it -- devoured it with pure, curious joy. We gushed over her, celebrating her milestone. And even as I was spooning cereal into her small (perfect) mouth, I felt a pang, almost undetectable. The tiniest whisper of remorse. Somewhere in me, the quietest thought: stay small (stay small).

This same thought can be heard in her room at bedtime, when I'm rocking her to sleep, with the night light casting us in warm yellow glow. And she is curled up entirely around me, her nose tucked into the crook of my elbow, small hand on my chest. Sleepy, sleepy.

I hear it then too: stay small (stay small).

But of course, it's not really true.

I'm her mother, and it's ingrained in me to grow this girl up, to raise her. It's just. It's just going quickly. And it's oh so much letting go. That's what it is.

edible toes

From tiny feet

rosy cheeks

From rosy cheeks

pen @ four months

o.k.

These are uncertain times. By that I mean: having a baby makes life highly unpredictable. As soon as you've adjusted to a new routine and figured out the latest stage of development, it changes. Completely.

So, I'm discovering that parenting requires us to be flexible. In spite of ourselves. And it's only the beginning.

We've been in temporary upheaval over the past week. Lourdes, the lovely Lourdes, is taking another job. One with more hours and more pay. She has to put her daughter through college next year, and I understand. I can appreciate her situation.

Even though.

Even though, I am heartbroken to see her go. Even though, I was not expecting to scramble for child care three weeks back to work. Even though, it is completely overwhelming.

The system is fragile. The system of childcare and work schedules and new morning routines that entail making coffee-eating breakfast-walking the dog-getting dressed-feeding the baby-making it to work on time. The system is a finely tuned machine, and it's a precise combination. So, when one part of the system falls apart, well, it's very overwhelming.

But such is being a parent, I'm realizing. Such is life! And we are required to be that much more flexible.

The reminder is this: It will all work out in the end.

Sometimes Ben and I turn to each other and say: Just tell me everything's going to be ok. We've always done this. When the other one needs to hear it -- just hear the words -- we will say: Everything's going to be ok.

And it usually turns out that way.

In less than a week, we hired someone new -- a kind-hearted, energetic woman named Sandra. And I have a feeeling she'll be wonderful.

So, there you have it.

Lourdes needed a way to pay for her daughter's education. I needed someone to take care of Pen. Sandra desperately needed a job. It's all working out in the end.

Everything's going to be ok.

bundled up

From 2010-01-13

you are my sunshine

From three and a half months

the lovely Lourdes

Lourdes is new to our family. When I go to work, I leave Pen in the kind and capable hands of Lourdes. She does not simply take care of Pen. She reads to her. She plays with her. She sings to her (in Spanish). And she loves her. For which I am very grateful. It is her job to take care of my daughter. But it is a gift that she loves my daughter.

Lourdes has one daughter of her own, a seventeen-year-old named Marcella. But Lourdes has always wanted more children, always wished to be a mother many times over. And as she says with all tenderness, "God said, no more babies." So, she has adopted all the children she cares for as her own. It's her way of putting all the love she has in her tremendous heart to good use -- and we are the very lucky beneficiaries.

Because it's hard to leave Pen. And Ben and I are both adjusting to being away from her. So, something hard is made easier by knowing that she is with Lourdes.

Yesterday, I came home, and Lourdes was folding my laundry. My laundry. This feels strange and complicated. I've been doing my own laundry for a long time now. And it feels somehow wrong to accept someone in my house doing my laundry. I don't take it for granted, but it's hard to receive.

I thanked her. And Lourdes said, "Don't worry. You're tired."

And she is right. She is so right. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. And I'm just trying to figure it all out and juggle everything and somehow get it right.

So, this is my big realization about being a mom, and it's completely humbling. You need all the help you can get. You need every meal your neighbor brings. You need every moment of understanding your coworker gives you. You need every night of babysitting your sister-in-law offers.

You need every load of laundry someone is willing to do.

So.

It turns out Lourdes is not just taking care of Pen. She's taking care of me too.

high hopes

Dear Penelope,

I hope you are kind and generous to those around you.

I hope you grow up knowing and embracing the South African part of you.

I hope you are are creative.

I hope you travel the world.

I hope you love dogs.

I hope you forge your own path.

I hope you aren't too hard on yourself.

I hope you fight for those who can't fight for themselves.

I hope you forgive the mistakes we make with you.

I hope you appreciate the family and friends who will love you through life.

I hope you have a fantastic sense of humor.

I hope you find someone to love as much as I love your dad.

I hope you know how much we believe in you.

I hope you know how much we love you.

Love,

Me